Beautiful
by Haiku Kitten
Summary: Light went to L for help. That's why L can't give up. Light/L, rape.


**Beautiful**

By: Haiku

Fandom: Death Note

Pairing: Light/L

Rating: R

Warnings: Rape and some shameless fluff.

Summary: It's all because Light asked him for help that L can never give up.

Author's Note: I was supposed to write this for Hotaru ages ago. Finally have it finished, though. Hope this is what you wanted, dear!

**Beautiful**

_I saw pictures in my head_

_And I swear I saw you opening up again_

_And I would be heavenly if baby you'd just rescue me now_

_**- I Saw, Matt Nathanson**_

"Do you think I'm beautiful?" Light whispered to L one night during their months chained together. It was a strange question, truthfully, but also not so very strange. They weren't in a relationship; well, not technically. They had their own connection, a deep understanding of each other, and L, being L, did not see the need to make it a physical relationship of any sort. At night, they laid down facing each other but never touching. At night, they talked freely to each other, unashamed to speak whatever was on their minds.

L observed Light curiously from his side of the bed. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," he said simply, hoping to escape answering such a question by being cryptic. It worked with a lot of people but it seldom worked with Light. It was worth a shot, nonetheless.

"Yes," Light agreed, "but what does your eye behold, Ryuzaki?"

"Mm… I would say that Light is beautiful," L grudgingly admitted with a sigh. "Aesthetically, he is what some might call perfect, I believe. I like his mind the best, though."

The answer seemed to please Light greatly because the boy smiled and let his eyes drift closed. It was moments like this that L had come to love. It was kind of like having a permanent sleepover with the best friend he could ever have dreamed up as a child. Except they weren't children, they were young men, and Light was L's suspect. But it was times like this that the Kira case didn't matter at all.

--

There was another night that L remembered far too vividly. Just after they'd caught Higuchi, Light had left to see his family. The plan had originally been that Light would stay with his mother and sister for a few days but Light had come back in the middle of the night two days later with a strained expression on his face.

"Ryuzaki," he'd spoken in a desperate voice, reaching out to grasp L's arms for support. "I… I think I'm Kira. Please, Ryuzaki, I'm remembering things and… I would never, ever do those things but I think I did somehow. And sometimes I…I can't remember parts of the day. I went to the store and I was getting some things for my mother and then suddenly I was home and I didn't remember how I got there."

He had sounded so vulnerable, so frightened, and L simply could not turn him away. This was Light, his precious and gentle companion, asking him- no, begging him- for help. L was the only one who could help Light with this and they both knew it. L was the only one who could keep Light safe now.

"It's okay, Light," the detective had replied and for the first time, they had embraced. L wrapped his long arms around Light's slender form and pulled the boy close, shielding him as best he could from the hurt and pain. "I will keep you safe, I promise."

--

It was that promise that kept them bound together now. It didn't matter that Light really was Kira, L had sworn to keep Light safe and he intended to do so. After all, he was the World's Greatest Detective. He could do anything he wanted because he had the brains to figure anything out and the money to back it up. He was L and he would not lose this battle.

"Sir," Watari murmured, standing by L's side as L carefully watched the video footage for one of his latest cases. "He struck you again. That's… quite a bruise. Will you let me tend to it, please?"

L waved him off and shook his head. "It is only a bruise, Watari," he replied firmly. "It will go away on its own and it really does not hurt." That was a lie. The purple bruise on the side of L's face ached miserably and L occasionally lifted his hand to rub it. This was not the first time Light had hit him but Light was starting to become more violent. No, no, it wasn't Light doing this, he reminded himself. It was _Kira_; Light had no control over what happened.

Beside him, Watari fidgeted unhappily. "I could get you some ice to put on it, Sir," he offered. "It looks painful. Are you sure this is not becoming too much for you to handle? I understand your concern for Light but there are institutions that could help him. I do not wish to see you injured."

"That is enough, Watari," L said firmly, his lips forming a tight frown. "I am perfectly capable of tending to Light." He had promised that he would and he couldn't let Light down. "… He does not mean to hurt me, Watari. You must understand…"

--

"You cannot keep me here! What do you think you're doing, L?! I'll kill you! Unlock that door!"

L shrank back against the wall. His heart pounded in his chest as he watched the boy come closer; a predator in place of the gentle soul that L loved. This was the first time Kira had truly tried to escape and he'd very nearly managed it before L and Watari had stopped him. L had hoped to try and talk sense into the irate teenager. After all, Kira was part of Light, there had to be some way to reason with him. Now he was wishing that he had not had Watari lock them both in the room.

"Light," he tried gently. "You don't mean that. I'm only doing as you asked, remember? Remember who you are."

The laughter was shrill, cold, and terrifying. "I am Kira!" the boy snarled at him, his face twisted with madness. "You are a fool, L! And my weaker side is no less a fool, to believe that you would ever truly help him. I _know _what is best for us and it is not you!"

When the blows came, L tried to simply hold his ground against the pain. He'd expected one or two hard hits because Light usually came back to himself when he felt the impact. But this time was different. This time Kira was firmly in control and if Light was even conscious of what was happening, he was powerless to stop it. Blow after blow landed on L and the pain quickly became unbearable. But he didn't want to hit back, he didn't want to hurt Light… He wouldn't hurt Light.

Finally the hits stopped and Light backed away. For a moment, there was only the sound of heavy breathing. And then Light spoke. "Ryuzaki… oh, Ryuzaki, what have I done? Why did you let me do that?!"

L's vision was blurred but he tried to focus on Light's form. That voice… what a blessed relief. "L-Light… you're back?" he whispered hopefully.

Suddenly, Light dropped to his knees beside L and wrapped his arms around the detective. "I hurt you. Oh god, Ryuzaki, I beat you."

It didn't matter at all to L right then that this boy, this man, had just caused him more pain than he had ever experienced before. Light's arms around him were more comforting than anything he had ever experienced. Light hadn't meant to hurt him, L knew. He didn't blame the boy for anything that Kira did – how could he? And wasn't this affection worth a few bumps and bruises, anyway?

"I'm so sorry," Light whispered, sounding horrified, shocked… What must it be like to be on Light's side of this, L wondered? To have no control over one's actions…that would be a truly scary thing. Light was very brave.

"I know," the detective murmured, hiding his bruised face against Light's shoulder. "It is okay, Light. Please don't be upset. You didn't do it. He did it. And you and I are going to get rid of him."

--

Watari was not happy. "This has to stop," he stated simply as he treated L's injuries. "He could have seriously hurt you, Ryuzaki. You're lucky that nothing is broken. Now, I know you care for him but I have let this go on long enough and it ends today."

"No, Watari." L reached out and grabbed his caretaker's wrist. He gazed at the man with imploring eyes. "Please… I know this is insane. But what would you do if that was me? Would you leave me? Would you lock me away? I love him. I can't just abandon him."

There were reasons why L should hand custody of Light over to a professional but with those eyes staring at him like that, Watari couldn't think of any of them. He sighed and nodded in defeat, knowing that the bruises on L's face now would only multiply in the days to come. There was nothing he could do to stop it. L would never forgive him if he took Light away now.

"…Okay, Ryuzaki," he murmured. "Please stay safe."

--

"Light, please…"

"No. Go away."

"I said it wasn't your fault." L tried to be patient, he really did, but his body still ached from the previous day's beating and he really just didn't want to deal with this right now. He wanted to know that at least some of the time, Light was happy and healthy and not hiding in the bathroom, of all things. "You're being childish. Come out here and eat before your food gets cold."

Light kicked the door in return.

L was not amused.

"Fine then, obviously you don't think I'm worth the effort," the detective spoke stiffly, stepping away from the bathroom door. "I'll go eat by myself. Since the only time you apparently want to be around me is when you're beating me senseless."

It was a cheap shot but L was the master of cheap shots. You didn't become the world's three greatest detectives by playing by the rules and considering peoples' feelings. And L was not a nursemaid. He could only help Light as long as Light allowed him to.

Turning on his heel, he headed back to the couch and curled up on it, moodily grabbing a handful of cookies from the tray on the coffee table.

A few moments later, he heard the bathroom door slowly open.

"I'm sorry," Light said from behind L. L didn't turn to look at him. "I know I'm being childish, Ryuzaki. It's just that I don't know how to make this all better. I hurt you and I don't know how to keep it from happening again. How can you feel safe around me?"

"I don't," L said honestly. "I am very careful around you lately, Light. But I promised I would help and I will do so."

They were both silent for a few long moments. Light could have taken offense but he knew L better than that. There was still that old connection between them, despite the strain that had been placed on it these past few weeks.

"Why did you promise me that?" Light asked finally. "Why would you put yourself in this position?"

L almost told him the truth. If there was such a thing as love, L was certain that he felt it for this amazing young man.

"I don't know, Light."

--

The lights were all out when L entered the room. It sent a chill up L's spine. Light never left all the lights off anymore. If they were all off then it could only mean one thing…

"Come to see me, L?" a poisonous voice whispered from the darkness and L froze when he felt fingers gently brush against his cheek. "I've been waiting all day, you know. I almost thought you had forgotten about me."

It all happened so quickly that L barely had time to think. Using L's surprise to his advantage, Light shoved the detective down and L's body collided with the floor, Light's added weight making the fall that much more painful. Light's hands quickly found L's and twisted them above his head. "I've been planning something special for tonight," the younger man whispered, his lips nearly touching L's.

"What are you talking about?" L whispered in return. He tried to avoid looking in Light's eyes; he'd long since learned that it was dangerous. Light didn't like it when L challenged him in anyway and holding his gaze was just that. "Light, I have places to be. You need to let me up."

"Don't lie," Light responded silkily. "I know what you want. I know why you've been keeping me here. And I'm going to give it to you, L. Maybe after that you'll finally let me go." His body dipped down, pressing against L's in an intimate manner that made L squirm in discomfort; but it also made a small part of him burn. "Is this what you wanted from me? My body against yours? We can move together, L. I'll show you exactly what you want to know."

His hips crashed against L's, grinding against him, and L gasped as he fought back the urge to push his own hips up to meet them. The beginning tingles of pleasure were starting to snake their way through his body but they were far overshadowed by a sense of dread steadily building. "Stop that," he commanded. "You are behaving entirely inappropriately, Light!"

Musical laughter greeted him. "You don't like it?" the boy whispered into his ear and L shuddered when Light's tongue ran across his earlobe. "I know you want this. I can make you feel so good... Ryuzaki..."

"I said stop," L insisted, beginning to struggle against Light's hold. The boy's grip on his hands tightened and his body firmly pinned L to the floor. L could feel himself beginning to panic. "I do not consent, do you hear me? I don't want this. I never wanted this." He dared to look up at Light then, matching Light's seductive gaze with a look of determination.

Light's eyes narrowed as a look of pure contempt and rage twisted and mutated his beautiful face into the hideous visage of a monster. "You think you have a choice in this, L?" he fairly spat at his captive. "You are at my mercy, just like you were the other day when I beat the shit out of you. The mighty L thinks he can cage Kira but I can still do these things to you. You can't escape because it's either keep me here in this room or save your own hide."

Somewhere, buried down beneath all the hate, L knew there was someone good, someone important. Yagami Light could do good in the world. Yagami Light could do good for L. But it was seeming more and more like there was no possible way to remove the monster.

"Don't do this," he said as Light pushed his free hand up his shirt, clever fingers moved across L's skin like dancers on a dance floor. It would have felt good if it hadn't felt so wrong. "Listen to me, please. You don't want to do this. We're friends."

"Shut up," Light hissed in return. "Don't go spouting those lies at me. God, you make me sick sometimes. It just makes me want to rip you apart." His hand disappeared from L's chest, to L's relief, and for a moment he wondered if the teen had decided against it after all. That small gleam of hope died away when he felt Light's hands working the button of his jeans. "You should have died, L," Light murmured. "I had everything planned perfectly, you know, down to the last detail."

"You came to me. You wanted my help." Desperately, L tried to wrestle away; despite that, Light still managed to get his jeans unbuttoned and unzipped. "Don't touch me!" he exclaimed in disgust when Light's hand slipped under his jeans and boxers to cup him. "Stop it!"

Light pressed a featherlight kiss to L's lips and began to rub L's manhood, surprisingly gentle. "You'll like it," he promised. "There's so much I could show you, you know. We could rule the world together. You'd love every minute of it if you only let yourself."

L thought about how he'd never even kissed Light before. A beautiful, smiling face appeared in his mind's eye, possessing so much more grace than this abomination that held him down and invaded his space when Light had never dared go that far. He imagined that he was curled up in bed with that person, relaxed and at peace with everything so long as Light was there to keep him company.

He tried to ignore what was happening. It was better if he just pretended it wasn't happening at all. And so he somehow blocked out the caresses and violations and the way his body reacted to being touched and stroked.

His own pained gasp broke the daydream as Light began to enter him. His body tensed and shuddered. Never, he'd never done this before, and it hurt. "No," he whispered uselessly, hoping some part of Light would wake up and put a stop to this. The boy ignored him and continued to push in. "Don't do this," L begged softly. "Stop, Light, don't. Don't!"

"Shh," Light whispered into his ear with fake concern. "It always hurts the first time."

L would have held back the gasps and groans and soft cries if he could but the human body denied him control. So he shook and shivered in Light's hold and he couldn't keep from sobbing softly as Light began to move inside him. "I-it doesn't feel good," he stuttered, shaking his head. "It hurts! Stop it, please."

He'd read, of course, about the pleasures of flesh; he knew how it was supposed to feel when it was good, even though he'd never experienced it firsthand. But in those dark moments, he was certain that he would never experience the pleasure of it. How could he bear to ever let another person touch him after this?

Hours later, when he was certain that the quiet form curled near him was truly asleep, L stumbled to his feet and relocated his jeans. A numb feeling took him over then as he gingerly made his way out of the room, back to his own bed, and collapsed heavily on the mattress. Watari would find him there later, gently guide him out of bed and into the shower, and then agree to stay at his bedside for the night, stroking L's hair as the detective fought off sleep for fear of nightmares.

When Light asked the next day, L didn't tell him what happened, only that Light had once more lost control of himself but it was alright now. However, Light could see that things were not right. The way that L flinched when Light moved too quickly was not lost on the boy, nor was the way that L now tended to put several feet of distance between them at all times.

Sometimes when L came to visit Light, he would curl up in a chair and simply stare blankly at the wall, never speaking. When Light would address him, ask him a question, he would blink as though he'd been in some sort of daze and regard Light with a sheepish smile while saying, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"Are you alright?" Light finally asked one day when L was spending their visit staring bleakly at the little hand mirror Light had left lying on the coffee table earlier that day.

For a few long moments, L did not speak. He reached forward and traced the edge of the mirror absently. "... I am very tired, Light," he spoke at last. "I have been trying to fix you but it seems like the more I try to fix you, the more you break of me." He looked up at Light with a haunted expression. "Light... Do you think I'm beautiful?"

"Why are you talking like this?" Light questioned with concern. He approached his companion and placed his hands on L's shoulders; he could feel L tremble under his touch. "Ryuzaki... Something bad happened, didn't it? Please, talk to me. What did I do?"

L shook his head, the look on his face fading back into blank nothingness. "I would prefer not to talk about it, Light, but I was thinking that maybe...maybe I care about you more than I had thought at first." He raised his thumb to his lips and chewed at it nervously. "So that's why I asked... if you thought I was..."

"Yes," Light said quickly. He moved to sit down beside L and placed one hand against the detective's cheek. "Ryuzaki, I think you are fascinating and brilliant and _beautiful_." When L's dark eyes slowly looked up at him, Light locked gazes with the man and gave a gentle smile.

"Why?" L asked in seemingly genuine confusion. "What do you see in me when everyone else sees ugliness?"

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," Light said in slightly accented English. He leaned in and gently pressed his lips to L's in a chaste kiss. L gasped softly against him but didn't pull away. After a moment, Light moved back. However, his hand remained on L's cheek. "I don't know what happened, Ryuzaki," he said gently, "but nonetheless, don't think that you're the only one of us who feels something more than... than whatever it was we thought was between us."

This fair body had hurt L. Light had hurt him so badly that he'd thought he never wanted another person to touch him again, let alone kiss him. But Light's lips were so soft, so kind. L sighed and leaned against Light's hand. "I believe that I love you, Yagami Light."

Light's arms were suddenly wrapped around him, holding him close and keeping him safe. "L... I love you too."

~END


End file.
